Best jokes for everybody!

Technical Night Before Christmas   'Twas the nocturnal segment of the diurnal period preceding the annual   Yuletide celebration, and throughout our place of residence, kinetic   activity was not in evidence among the possessors of this potential,   including that species of domestic rodent known as Mus musculus.   Hosiery was meticulously suspended from the forward edge of the wood   burning caloric apparatus, pursuant to our anticipatory pleasure   regarding an imminent visitation from an eccentric philanthropist   among   whose folkloric appellations is the honorific title of St. Nicholas.   The prepubescent siblings, comfortably ensconced in their respective   accommodations of repose, were experiencing subconcious visual   hallucinations of variegated fruit confections moving rhythmically   through their cerebrums.   My conjugal partner and I, attired in our nocturnal had coverings,   were   about to take slumberous advantage of the hibernal darkness when upon   the avenaceous exterior portion of the grounds there ascended such a   cacophony of dissonance that I felt compelled to arise with alacrity   from my place of repose for the purpose of ascertaining the precise   source thereof.   Hastening to the casement, I forthwith opened the barriers sealing   this   fenestration, nothing thereupon that the lunar brilliance without,   reflected as it was on the surface of a recent crystalline   precipitation, might be said rival that of the solar meridian itself -   thus permitting my incredulous optical sensory organs to behold a   miniature airborne runnered conveyance drawn by eight diminutive   specimens of the genus Rangifer, piloted by a miniscule, aged   chauffeur   so ebullient and nimble that it became instantly   apparent to me that he was indeed our anticipated caller.   With his ungulate motive power travelling at what may possibly have   been   more vertignious velocity than patriotic alar predators, he   vociferated   loudly, expelled breath musically through contracted labia, and   addressed each of the octet by his or her respective cognomen - "Now   Dasher, now Dancer..." et al. - guiding them to the uppermost level of   our abode, through which structure I could readily distinguish the   concatenations of each of the 32 cloven pedal   extremities.   As I retracted my cranium from its erstwhile location, and was   performing a 180-degree pivot, our distinguished visitant achieved -   with utmost celerity and via a downward leap - entry by wary of the   smoke passage.   He was clad entirely in animal pelts soiled by the ebony residue from   oxidations of carboniferous fuels which had accumulated on the walls   thereof. His resemblance to a street vendor I attributed largely to   the   plethora of assorted playthings which he bore dorsally in a commodius   cloth receptacle.   His orbs were scintillant with reflected luminosity, while his   submaxillary dermal indentations gave every evidence of engaging   amiability. The capillaries of his malar regions and nasal   appurtenance   were engorged with blood which suffused the subcutaneous layers, the   former approximating the coloration of Albion's floral emblem, the   latter that of the Prunus avium, or sweet cherry.   His amusing sub and supralabials resembled nothing so much as a common   loop knot, and their ambient hirsute facial adornment appeared like   small, tabular and columnar crystals of frozen water. Clenched firmly   between his incisors was a smoking piece whose grey fumes forming a   tenuous elllipse about his occiput, were suggestive of a decorative   seasonal circlet of holly.   His visage was wider than it was high, and when he waxed audibly   mirthful, his corpulent abdominal region undulated in the manner of   impectinated fruit syrup in a hemispherical container. He was, in   short, neither more nor less than an obese, jocund, multigenarian   gnome,   the optical perception of whom rendered me visibly frolicsome despite   every effort to refrain from so being.   By rapidly lowering and than elevating one eyelid and rotating his   head   slightly to one side, he indicated that trepidation on my part was   groundless.   Without utterance and with dispatch, he commenced filling the   aforementioned appended hosiery with various of the aforementioned   articles of merchandise extracted from the aforementioned previously   dorsally transported cloth receptacle.   Upon completion of this task, he executed an abrupt aboutface,   placed a single manual digit in lateral juxtaposition to his olfactory   organ, inclined his cranium forward in a gesture of leave-taking, and   forthwith effected his egress by renegotiating (in reverse) the smoke   passage.   He then propelled himself in a short vector onto his conveyance,   directed a musical expulsion of air through his contracted oral   sphincter to the antlered quadrupeds of burden, and proceeded to soar   aloft in a movement hitherto observable chiefly among the seed-bearing   portions of a common weed.   But I overheard his parting exclamation, audible immediately prior to   his vehiculation beyond the limits of visibility: "Ecstatic Yuletide   to   the planetary constituency, and to that self same assemblage, my   sincerest wishes for a salubriously beneficial and gratifyingly   pleasurable period between sunset and dawn.